My daughter is very over weight. I would love for her to lose 100 pounds. If she called me everyday and told me how much she lost I would be very happy for her. It would be a relief to me as well. I worry about her health. That is one of the reasons I have had such a time dealing with how I feel about my friend. In my way of thinking a mother doesn’t get jealous of her children but rejoices in their triumphs. Was I, am I jealous of my friend or was it that her ability to conquer her demons only made mine seem worse to me? It has not been just the diet and exercise. It’s also her detailed descriptions of cleaning her closet, her bathroom, her garage, her garden. As I sit listening, all the stuff I need to be doing is running through my mind. The bad part is I’m not a lazy person. I work in my garden. I take care of my pool. I took my animals for walks when it was nice out. I tried to keep my garage clean. I try but I don’t succeed. My friend knows this. She say me making a Christmas shopping list, she said “Oh she’s making a list.” Like she owns the only right there is to make lists. When she was a little girl and I taught her girl’s bible class, I made her pony birthday cake. I had 3 children to take care of but I was organized enough then to get that done for her. So, I’m older now my kids are all grown up and I don’t want to adhere to regime. Yeah, I made a list so what? I guess that’s what I should have said.
My friend’s doctor gave her Adipex at the beginning of last summer. This gave her a tremendous boost in energy. She started going to work out every night after work. (We have worked together for about 15 years. I have known her since she was 5 years old. She is 35 now.) Water aerobics, kick boxing, step and on Saturday and Sunday she walked for at least an hour each day. It was just about super human. She was at work a lot of times by 7:00 in the morning because she couldn’t sleep. She didn’t have to be there until 8 or even 9 if she wanted. I asked her to stay with me while my husband was out of town. We were going to go out to eat but she decided that she needed to go to aerobics class and she’d get there about 8:00 that night. Another time her sister in law asked her to help her do something. It would mean she would miss aerobics class. She fretted and fretted about it of which I got to hear all about. She figured out how to help her sister in law but not miss class. Then on Halloween, she finds out that the city has declared trick or treat to be 5:00 – 7:00. She frets and frets about that and takes her Halloween candy back to the store. (She does not have children.) and makes it to aerobic class. Then I’d get to hear all day long about how sore her muscles were because she worked out so hard the night before.
I did tell my friend how I felt on New Year's Eve. She and her husband wanted to come to our house which a few months ago would not have bothered me but I was all stressed out trying to get things picked up and clean before they arrived so as not to live up to or down to her expectations of me. Anyway, it was very poor timing and all I did was hurt her terribly. I told her I felt judged. I tol her I didn't need to know every detail of her life. I was trying to grasp my feelings and I said I don't know why I feel like I do maybe I'm jealous. She started bawling. "That's what my mother thinks of Me." She cried, “I thought you were like a mother to me now you feel the same way." She proceeded to cry like her world had ended. The next day, after everyone left and I was alone, I felt like I had ripped her heart out and stomped it. Having a terrible hangover didn’t help much either. I called her and told her I was sorry and I would be a nicer person. Which looking back on it was not a good thing to do because I don’t think I can be any nicer than I am. What I really need to do is be nice to myself.
All I know is I would not feel this way towards my real daughter yet I have felt this way to my friend which has thought of me as her mother.
I have made progress in the last few months to be more organized and keep my house picked up. I joined a gym and have actually gone a few times. I just need to tell myself I’m doing this for me not because my friend’s quest for perfection makes me feel like a loser. I really am trying to be more positive to my self and my friend.
