You love her, you hate her. She's your best friend, she's your worst enemy. What is it with the bond between mothers and daughters that brings out such fierce feelings? Janice and Stacie allowed author Deborah Tannen to analyze some of their worst -- and best -- moments so that their mother-daughter relationship would keep moving in the right direction.

Stacie thinks her mother is often criticizing her, while Janice believes she's only trying to help her daughter. "My whole life I have struggled with my weight; it's a family problem," admits a tearful Stacie. "But she doesn't know that some of her comments really hurt me," she says.

Janice defends herself. "I know that when I criticize Stacie on certain things, especially about her weight, that it is hurtful," she says. "But I feel I do it because I worry about her, not because I'm mean."

"There is a tension built into this relationship," Tannen says, explaining that every mother and daughter argue about the same "big three" topics: hair, clothes and weight. "The mother's job is to do everything she can to make sure things go as well as they can for her daughter. And often this means suggestions for improvement. Unfortunately, every suggestion for improvement is really criticism," Tannen explains.

That criticism can be incredibly hard to hear because every daughter wants so badly to get approval from her mom. "Our mother is the one person who knows us so well, we really want her to think we're great, and when she keeps pointing out our flaws -- even if just to help and because she cares -- it makes them bigger," Tannen explains.

These arguments shouldn't be a roadblock to a harmonious relationship. The solution? Mothers: Be honest with yourself when your "helpful comments" are truly criticism -- which, by the way, does often not fix whatever problem you're hoping that it will. And consider praising your daughter, too, which can make all the difference. Daughters: Don't bait your mother or rebel against her just to push buttons. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt that criticism is often coming from a good place. It can be difficult, says Tannen, "but if either one of you slips, turn it into an inside joke and get a laugh out of it, and move on in the conversation. You don't want to lose your best friend over bickering."

Read an excerpt from You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deborah Tannen.